Here’s an Antwerp update/rant (whatever this is), highlighted by this low quality photo taken in Wilrijk while walking one day on my way to the university)
Going to the university. On my first walks navigating around this new academic battle, I've been mostly busy sitting and reading in the lab. And then going home. And having some wine. Or beer. Then cook something. And sleep for 8 hours. Not that I complain as this counts as one of the best things happening in my life right now, but I occasionally feel like I am some indolent person; with laptop at one point, then fully immersed in the kitchen on another, with so much emptiness in between. Though, I like it a lot spending time in the kitchen, being my most consistent source of warmth, as the heater in my room had been acting up. And I seemingly can't rely on the sun as it's basically non-existent these days.
~
The lack of sunshine makes things feel a lot worse if I may state the obvious. If it’s not raining, it’s fogging. It does shine, though, once in a while. Fuckn one day of sunshine at a time lest we get too used to such frivolity. It’s generally dark on this side of the world and I am beginning to accept this darkness concept with nights being longer, days way shorter. That which brings me to another point: the abrupt change in weather. The huge temperature drop has took its toll on me. For the first time in a long time I have been sick, suffering from severe colds which is quite uncharacteristic given my supposed excellent immune system. Now it hugely bothers me that it's taking me a lot of time to recover.
~
A lot of time, I have, indeed. But I could not help but feel the pressure: to prove that I have a place here, to make a good case for myself that I am fit for
this job. Even after working hours, I feel the need to keep on working. I couldn't shake the feeling that I'm not doing enough, second
guessing myself all the time. Being in a foreign land amplifies this internal
struggle even more. Everything feels tougher turning every single day a
seemingly futile and monotonous expedition. The only highlights are lunch
breaks when there finally is the opportunity to grab some warm Belgian food (though a far cry from French
delights tbf) very much like a kindergarten kid looking forward for recess. This current state I am at is good but tough, so I hope for things to get better in
the coming months. If anything, one bright spot is that everyone speaks English everywhere, from supermarkets, banks, and restaurants. Above all, people are generally nice.
~
With people being nice and everyone speaking English, I have began to become Google Translate-unreliant so far, unlike in France. Not that I understand any Dutch, but simply because people are kind
enough to speak English all the time. Meanwhile, GoogleMaps is a different beast, as it has become a second nature for me to check it every time I move around. Thanks to GMaps I've managed
to survive the last two years going around and continues to need so to survive in this new country I am at. I have been heavily dependent on it until my phone faced a
major setback recently, now refusing to connect to the internet with the GPS going haywire. This his a very bad news because Google Maps has
been my lifeline, enough to sound like a privileged kid right now.
~
Speaking
of privileges, I acknowledge the fact that am living another dream and I am beyond-words-thankful for that. Every day I acknowledge that destiny has favoured me very well. Truly, this journey is tough, perplexing, and even a
bit crazy-inducing. But the truth of the matter is it's incredible. It's a
life-changing experience in the most positive way. Despite the challenges and
the occasional absurd complaints, even when the negative aspects seem to
outweigh the positive, it's still way better than being back home where an
endless circus constantly unfolds on a daily basis (personally and politically at that). So I guess this isn't exactly a rant.
