1:42 AM
This statue in Maastricht reminds me of an ugly memory from the past, buried deep in my hard skull – an unresolved issue I have not properly processed – a childhood trauma, for the lack of more appropriate term . It triggered my having nightmares for about 4 months now, an additional burden to my already chaotic sleeping routine. This, and a lot of other unnecessary & futile stuff on my plate that currently floods up my mind, warrants this not so #StoryTime to vent this ire.
When I was around ten, I had my first love . Being the beautiful creature that she was, I named her after a popular character from a telenovela airing during that time. Spoiler alert: too bad because unlike the character she was named after, she did not have the happy ending she so much deserved.
She used to be my steady source of comfort amidst the early distresses from school, childhood friends, and every other problem that may hurt a ten-year-old. I see, I was that problematic, lonely kid next door, who never had enemies, or friends neither. But she showed me what loyalty was, even before I actually learned about that word itself. She got me out of depression even before I learned what that unpleasant concept is called. And because of her, those terrible childhood days – un-acknowledged struggles, invalidated feelings, and unsupported needs as a child – became tolerable. Her loyalty and friendship saved me from the internal demons I had to face alone.
Those fleeting times, most days felt nice, knowing that I was unconditionally loved. Not until the day I lost her over a stupid cause. Some stupid people, who happened to be family , sealed her fate, ended her life, with some stupid superstition as their sorry excuse.
Terribly consumed by the guilt of not saving that helpless, fragile little life I was supposed to protect and vowed to love, I officially had the first major heartbreak I never truly recovered from. Her death left a huge wound that never really healed, even by time. It damaged me to the core, my soul beyond any repair, even forced me to commit crimes in my head, and shifted my perspective about trust, love, and forgiveness . The pain and anguish pushed me to cross that hypothetical bridge to hell, committing hypothetical crimes over and over in my mind.
I guess time could never really heal the hurt or anger or grievance or pain or whatever this feeling is worth. All them negativities and hard feelings bottled up inside just accumulated throughout those years despite the desperate try to move on with my life. I vowed to leave that place & those stupid people once-and-for-all the moment I can. And it took me a little over 5 years, a great deal of energy, and hard work to make it happen. At 15, I left for college and never really looked back, thinking distance was the vindication I saw fit to pull off, since forgiveness was never really an option. I guess I'll continue paying the price for sowing that bad seed that day, for keeping this Roman Empire after all these years, for the weeks to come, and probably for the rest of my days.
My dear love, you were never replaced. There was never one after you.
It's 2:30 AM now and I could still clearly hear her final cries , and I don't budget, so fck meee.
